Calm down everyone. I was not concussed, nor did I contract the H1N1 virus – I simply missed a week of NFL recaps.

Put away the tissues, the comfort food, the wine…I’m here to make it up to you.

It’s not like there weren’t enough forums to discuss your anger/shock/glee/confusion over “the 4th and 2” decision, anyway. And it’s not like I had all the necessary faculties after watching my Cowboys put up as unsuccessful a fight against the Packers as any of you would have in curbing Oprah’s world domination.

So let’s talk a little football.

I rant, therefore I am

What’s going on with all these injuries – and to so many big names? Ronnie Brown, Michael Turner, Cedric Benson, Terrell Suggs, and Kyle Orton (ok…maybe not all “big”) to name a few. Week 10 rushed through like a tornado, ushering everything – or, everyone – to the infirmary.*

*Isn’t it time announcers move on from referring to a rash of injuries as the “*M*A*S*H unit?” That show ended over 30 years ago! Can’t we think of something current – like the “E.R.” or the “House ward” or something – just stay away from the “Grey’s Anatomy wing.”

And now there’s word that an 18-game NFL season is on the horizon? I love football as much as the next guy, but must we really be subjected to every member of a 53-man roster – because it will happen.

I understand the argument that more games opens up opportunities for players, but for every Tom Brady and Tony Romo, there’s a Brooks Bollinger and Spergon Wynn. Who? I thought so.

Not to mention what these injuries can do to a guy’s fantasy lineup.

And since we’re on the subject…

Maurice Jones-Drew. Why? Why must you make me one of the fantasy owners who lost due to your trust in a coaching staff you previously lambasted and taking a knee at the 1-yard line, allowing the clock to run and a field goal to win the game? Yes, I know your team won. And that’s what really “matters.” But I still don’t believe it’s a good decision to pass up points while your team is losing. I expect big things out of you this week – it’s the least you can do.

Quick Thoughts

I love the Cincinnati Bengals. I felt this way before the season ever started. Bless you HBO for giving us Hard Knocks and introducing us to Bengals’ Director of Football Operations, Jim Lippincott…The Chicago Bears are one of my least favorite teams. They lack toughness, swagger, and now, they lack interview opportunities…Fearless predictions: the Denver Broncos will finish 8-8…which would also guarantee them a spot in the playoffs – if they were in the NFC…$250,000 could buy a lot of foam fingers…and a joke can cost you $20,000…The New Orleans Saints and the New England Patriots (4th and 2, be damned) are the league’s best and my Super Bowl pick (for now)…The Cleveland Browns (five offensive touchdowns in their last 15 games…that’s not a misprint) and Oakland Raiders (barring a resurgent Bruce Gradkowski) are the league’s worst.

Speaking of “The League”…

Have you seen FX’s new show? The League follows the life of four friends and their dedication to one of man’s greatest innovations – fantasy football. It is – dare I say– one of the funniest shows on television. Sure – it’s crude, crass and, often times, inappropriate – but that’s what makes it great. Fantasy football takes center stage, but the relationships and dialogue steal the show. Fun with feces? Eskimo brothers? Respecting the pause? This may all be confusing to you now, but The League not only educates, it entertains – a lot.

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